2009-12-19 Family Pics / 13.5 mo

2009-12-19 Family Pics / 13.5 month photos taken at Pro Shots

Hard to Believe

Well, yesterday, Trinity continued her current trend, but she surprised me when she started her 'fit' in the car.

On the way to daycare, she started grunting and acting really anxious. She was even trying to bounce up and down in her car seat and she was reaching out towards me. I told her to try to hold on and I would take her to the bathroom as soon as we got to daycare. Sure enough, I headed in with her and went straight to the bathroom; that was what she wanted.

I finally got a minute to talk to one of the workers this afternoon, and she really didn't believe me when I told her she was already starting to show interest. I described how she's been letting me know just so they might try to watch for the same signs. We'll see how that goes.

Nonetheless, I rearranged baby gates this afternoon to make the bathrooms more accessible, and we'll just continue trying to encourage her to let us know. Chris and I are still in a state of disbelief over this right now, but we are excited and happy about it, too.

Ready for Potty Training?

Until yesterday, I thought the past couple of weekends was just a fluke. Now, I think I'm wrong.

For the past few weekends, Trinity has come to me, at least once a day, to try to tell me she needs to go to the bathroom. Except for yesterday morning, we were always downstairs, and she would come over and act kind of whiny and want me to pick her up. When I would pick her up, she would start bouncing up and down and grunting. The first time I didn't have a clue what she wanted. On a whim, I tried bringing her to the bathroom. As soon as I sat her on the toilet she went. The following weekend a very similar situation took place.

Yesterday morning was different... Chris and I were in our room getting ready for church, and we were letting Trinity run around and play. Next thing I know, she teetered into our bathroom and started banging on the toilet lid. I decided to give it a try, and sure enough she had to go.

Hey, all of this still may be coincidences with timing. However, after this has happened three weekends in a row, I'm starting to question whether it's a fluke or not. I know she's not ready to start learning how to control it, and she's not at a point where she's coming to me while she's really hard at play. But, I guess I'll be thankful that it looks like she's already starting to show signs of being interested.

Teething Jewelry

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I've posted on here. I really need to get in a better practice of that again. Hey, I have a very active 1 year old now so you are going to have to forgive me for some gaps. :o) I've also had some times where I've gotten REALLY down lately; I've debated on writing about some of that, but I didn't want to have a lot of posts that focused on me instead of my wonderful, amazing miracle of life - Trinity. I might post some things about what I've been going through lately, too; that might help someone else that stumbles upon this site that might be going through something similar. Maybe this should be a blog more about our whole family, but still have a good bit of it focus on Trinity.

Well, all that aside. I just stumbled upon something that I thought was really neat. For all of the moms that have little ones around (or those grandmothers or baby sitters, etc), I think I've stumbled upon something that's pretty grand. I just ordered mine, and I'll definitely post my true feelings about it once I receive it in the mail.

How many of you that have been around little children and teething babes have ever had them grab your jewelry, especially necklaces and bracelets, and start chewing on them? Well, if you want something you can wear that will keep you from having to worry about them doing that, you might want to look into this product.

The product is called Teething Bling or Teething Jewelry. It's from Smart Mom Jewelry. Here's the part I think is really neat:

"Our Teething Bling products are made from a food-safe, phthalate-free, federally-approved silicone."

They have several different pieces and all sorts of colors to choose from; there are several different types of pendants, as well as bangles and key chains. To try it out before I ordered a few different pieces, I decided on one of their heart-shaded pendants. Here is what the one I just ordered looks like:


Like I said, I'll try to post again soon after I get this product (should be near the end of next week) and let you know my real thoughts. I may even try to take some pictures, too.

I'm lovin' the gDiapers

The past few weeks Sweet T has ended up with some pretty bad diaper rash by the weekend. I wasn't very happy with this; however, I'd always be able to get it cleared up before Monday rolled around again by letting her go with out a diaper from time-to-time, etc. Last weekend was different. It was even bad enough on Friday that the daycare worker even made a comment about it being VERY red to PC when he picked her up. As soon as they got home, I went to go ahead and change her diaper so I could have a peek. I was surprised when I found oozing blisters ranging in sizes from a dime to a quarter and others about the size/shape of my finger. I called the after-hours nurse to see if there was anything I could do to treat Sweet T from home during the weekend to bide us over until she could get seen in the office on Monday. They proceeded to tell me that their protocol with a case that bad was to have them seen immediately because it could quickly run into scalded skin syndrome in some cases. They also mentioned an after-hours pediatric clinic that we had never heard of, which we are THRILLED about!

After a trip to the after hours clinic (luckily...instead of the ER) last weekend, we were told by the pediatrician that seen Sweet T that we would need to keep her in cloth diapers, or even better...let her run around naked, at least through the weekend. After I ended up with a large mess on my hands on Saturday morning, I went looking for an alternative to disposable diapers, and I found these "gDiapers" at Babies 'R Us. So far, I love them.

They are somewhat of a mix between cloth diapers and disposables...almost to the point where you get the best of both worlds. They definitely breath better than disposables, and the gDiapers don't have as many of the chemicals and plastics that disposables do. I love the fact that you can flush them and end up with practically no waste, or you can toss them and know that they will start degrading in 50+ days. I've always felt bad about all the waster we were sending to the landfill just because of the horrendous amount of diapers we go through.

After a week, I'm happy at how it has went. I'm definitely thinking about fully "making the switch." For now, we are still using "overnights," but gDiapers has tips on how to double up the layers for during the night. I plan to try that in a couple of weeks if the daytime continues to go well. I also plan on making an order of a few more of the cute cloth outer layers from their site; they have several cute colors besides the adorable orange and cream ones you get in the starter pack. I will also be signing up for the auto-delivery of the refills sometime soon.

Hope you have a good Friday and enjoy the upcoming weekend!

My Sweet, Baby Girl

Dear Sweet T,

It was nine months ago today when you breathed your first breath in this world. After months of worries and ups and downs during the pregnancy, oh, how proud we are that you were born, that you are our baby girl. Your daddy smiled non-stop for days after you were born. You have already brought so much joy to our family in the short time you have been with us. How proud we are!

Today you are nine months old. It's impossible for me to think of your first few months and not have my eyes well up with tears. They are warm, sweet, happy tears as I celebrate the bittersweet fact that you are already growing up. My how time has already flown by; it really does seem like yesterday was when daddy and I first brought you home.

I love you so much. I can't wait until you finish cutting your first teeth. Daddy and I definitely long for the day when you say your first word and especially when you start saying mama and dada. We'll look on with joy the day you start crawling forward since you're still stuck in reverse at this moment. I'm sure we will be filled with pride as you take your first (unassisted) step at some point during the coming months. As you continue to grow, I so look forward to putting ponytails in your hair and God's Word in your heart.

But to be honest, if I could bottle you up right now, I would in a heartbeat. That way I would be able to savor the sweet smell of your head forever. Feel your warm baby breath on my cheek as I rock you. See that gummy grin as daddy or I enter the room. Dust my fingertips across your cheek or play with your baby fine hair. Feel a closeness to you like nothing else as I nurse you to sleep. Gaze forever into your eyes as you search for mine and reach out for my face. Embrace your tiny body. Listen forever to your baby gurgles, coos, grunts, and sighs. Rock you as we gaze into the night together, while daddy sleeps, and it is just you and I. Sing quiet lullabies to you as you relax in my arms and drift off to sleep. I love you so much, Sweet T, and I am very sad that you won't be my baby forever.

Of course, you'll always be my baby in the way that I am still my mother and father's baby and in the way that they are still the baby of their parents. Grow up you must, grow up you will, and I will find joy and happiness in that journey. But I will cherish these fleeting baby moments with you. I will enter your childhood with you with no regrets about your short baby days. I will leave no kiss unkissed and no cuddle uncuddled, no matter what the hour of day or night. I already know too well, now, how precious and momentary sweet infancy is. Since I cannot keep you little forever, I will make the sweetest, deepest memories that I can, now while you are little.

And when you are grown, I will fondly remember your first months, with warm, sweet, happy tears in my eyes once again.

All my love,

Moma

War Wounds

Well, Sweet T had a few incidents at day care today. Just a couple more reminders of how much I hate for her to be there. Oh, well...

1st off, another little girl scratched her on her face (her right cheek). It's actually not that bad; it's just long. We're told she got a note sent home stating that she can't come back until her fingernails are cut.

Next, dd was playing with a toy and another child decided they wanted it. When she wouldn't give it to them, the other child bit her on her arm.


At least she's taking it in stride. If you couldn't tell by the photo of the scratch on her face, she doesn't seem to be phased by any of this at all...at least not by this afternoon.

Living with CREST

Here's a good article I found that summarizes limited Scleroderma (CREST). It also briefly talks about some treatments options and things to do at home.

I don't talk about this much, but this is what I struggle with on a daily basis.

Today, I got some news that I may be showing signs of one of the worst complications - lung damage. I'm waiting for the dr's office to call me back with an appointment date for new lung tests. If the results of that test show further deterioration of my lung function, I will get to add a pulmonologist to the list of dr's/specialists I regularly see.

I'm trying to not get too down about this news, yet. Right now, until I get the new test, there's not really anything to get too worried about. Also, regardless of what that news may be, I'm going to try my best to rest in God. I know that He has my life in His hands. He has a plan for me. It's just very unnerving to get this news with an 8 1/2 month old at home. I guess it's just the pessimist coming out in me, but this afternoon I find myself continually jumping to the worst case scenario and thinking of how that would be on my family (child, husband, parents, etc).

I really just need to quit thinking of all the what if's right now. I'm going to try...

As I get more news on this, I'll keep you updated.

On a lighter note, Sweet T is getting her first tooth. It's through the gum, but not up enough that you can see it unless you get her laughing and look directly down at it.

Make My Day

I've been meaning to write about this for over a week now, but I am just now getting the chance.

Recently, my morning routine has included going through a fast food drive-thru to get some breakfast on my way to drop Sweet T off at daycare. The other morning one individual really made my day. Now, before you start jumping to conclusions and thinking that I might have had a horrible start to my day, you better read on. This was anything but that.

My morning wasn't starting off too well, and we were already running behind. I debated on skipping breakfast, but I decided to stop and get something anyway. I pulled up to the speaker and placed my order. I continued to wait in the line in order to pay and get my food. I pulled to the window not knowing how it would change my outlook on the day. When I got to the window, the girl standing there tells me it's taken care of. I gave her a puzzled look and asked if she was joking. She proceeded to tell me that the lady in the car in front of me had asked how much my order was and paid for it; it was taken care of. Wow! You don't know how much I just wanted to tell the lady in front of me thank you. Oh, did I mention I had never seen this vehicle before, much less the driver. Yes, my total was only $2.68, but who does something like that these days?

I was so amazed by this generosity and kindness that I called PC as soon as I had pulled away in order to share the GREAT start to my morning.

I intend to try to pay this forward, so-to-speak, and attempt to do this same thing at least once a month. Who knows what type of an impact it might have.

I just had to share how that wonderful, sweet woman made my day!

Prayers for Mommies and Babies

Myah, precious Faith Hope's mommy, continues to post pictures and videos of beautiful Faith on her blog. Even though baby Faith has left us, I feel like her legacy will definitely live on.

One example of how God is working through Faith's short life on this earth is the new blog Myah has created - Prayers for Mommies and Babies. Visit that site when you get a chance and please keep these mothers (and their babies) in your prayers. The good Lord knows they really need to be lifted up. As you pray, try to remember Myah as well. Especially if you have never experienced the loss of a child, one can only imagine the hurt and emptiness she still feels as well as the what if's she may still live with today.

I'm sure she is still in need of our prayers.

TechNotes: Cell Coloring for Modified Cells in DataGridView

Using Visual Studio 2008, here is an example of updating cell coloring in a datagrid to highlight the cells containing modifications.

Private Sub grdTestData_CellEndEdit(ByVal sender As Object, ByVal e As System.Windows.Forms.DataGridViewCellEventArgs) Handles grdTestData.CellEndEdit
Dim view As DataView = CType(Me.grdTestData.DataSource, DataView)
Dim dataViewRow As DataRow = view.Item(e.RowIndex).Row
Dim Day1 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day1", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day2 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day2", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day3 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day3", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day4 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day4", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day5 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day5", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day6 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day6", e.RowIndex)
Dim Day7 As DataGridViewCell = Me.grdTestData("Day7", e.RowIndex)
Dim originalValueDay1 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day1_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay2 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day2_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay3 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day3_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay4 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day4_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay5 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day5_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay6 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day6_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)
Dim originalValueDay7 As Object = dataViewRow.Item("Day7_Yds", DataRowVersion.Original)

If originalValueDay1.Equals(Day1.Value) Then
If Day1.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day1.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day1.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay2.Equals(Day2.Value) Then
If Day2.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day2.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day2.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay3.Equals(Day3.Value) Then
If Day3.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day3.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day3.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay4.Equals(Day4.Value) Then
If Day4.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day4.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day4.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay5.Equals(Day5.Value) Then
If Day5.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day5.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day5.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay6.Equals(Day6.Value) Then
If Day6.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day6.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day6.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If

If originalValueDay7.Equals(Day7.Value) Then
If Day7.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red Then
Day7.Style.BackColor = Me.grdTestData(0, e.RowIndex).Style.BackColor
End If
Else
Day7.Style.BackColor = Drawing.Color.Red
End If
End Sub

I know there is still room for refactoring the above code, but this is a simple solution for updating the cell color on changed values.

April Rose...a scam?

***UPDATE on June 14***

Beccah made one last post to her blog to apologize for everything. Please keep her in your prayers!

***UPDATE on the April Rose Story***

Apparently this whole story was fictitious. I don't want to go into any more details, but I feel that Angie, Jennifer, and Raechel have summed it up very well and I agree with their current stand. Here's the link to the post Angie made. I haven't taken the time to check the other blogs (Jennifer's and Raechel's, but I'm sure they have the same post up or will have it posted soon).

I still think God can get glory out of this; how we all gathered as a community in prayer for B and others on the His Will Wednesday posts, etc. Please continue to keep Beccah in your prayers, and DEFINITELY pray for Angie, Jennifer, and Raechel and all the other blog readers. May we all have a Godly response and surround each other in this time

A Bit About Us

We are a loving family that became more complete on October 30, 2008.

PC and I met during the summer of 1999 while on a 4-H trip to Georgia. Although we grew-up in the same rural town, we did not know each other until that summer. However, we later realized we had a chance encounter when we were younger; we even have the picture from the paper to prove it. You see, we both took a hay ride with Santa and the local paper had printed a brief blurb about that event for the local children.

Fast-forward to 2003, because of a job offer upon graduation from college, I moved over 300 miles away from family and friends. My Prince Charming soon followed. In 2005, we were wed underneath Laurel Falls in the Smokey Mountain National Park. (The photo below was actually taken on our hike up to the falls.)


In early 2008, we found out we were expecting. What a blessing from God! The pregnancy had its ups and downs, and the doctors were concerned because of the potential problems that could be lurking around the corner. There were a few times the doctors even pressed us to induce. However, we left it up to God's timing, and early October 30, many prayers were answered because we gave birth to a happy, healthy baby girl.


Sweet T is the joy of our life!

To God Be The Glory!

Sweet little April Rose and her parents 'B' and 'D' have definitely been on my mind and heavy on my heart the past few days as her arrival was getting closer. She entered this world (and took her first breath...Praise God) on Sunday at 2:48pm. As of the last update, she is still with us! Oh, what a miracle! Check out her blog and look on the right sidebar for some sweet pictures of April Rose.

I know during the past couple of months 'B' has started praying for this to be God's miracle, whatever that might mean. However, she would continue to hope it would be the miracle she had been hoping for...that April would live on this earth. She got the miracle she had been praying for. I guess it turns out that in God's plan His miracle was the same miracle that 'B' had been wanting.

Oh, may 'B', 'D', and precious April Rose continue to enjoy every moment they get to spend with each other.

Move It, Move It

I like to move it, move it.
I like to move it, move it.
I like to move it, move it.

Ya like to move it!

Besides scooting around in circles, Sweet T has now figured out she can scoot herself backwards.

My heart cries

Oh, how my heart goes out to the Freeman's. I am so glad God chose to bless them with precious Kayleigh for the near 11 months He allowed her on this earth. However, my heart still goes out to this family as they must continue their journey through this life without her. One day, probably not on this earth, we will understand how taking her fit into God's plan, but oh the pain and emptiness this family must feel right now. Sweet T is not even 7 months old and I couldn't bear the thought of losing her right now. I could only imagine how I would feel if we had walked a similar journey with her and lost her after over 10 months of fighting and all the ups and downs in between. Wow, as I said, my heart really does go out to Adam and Aimee and the rest of their family. However, I hope that Kayleigh's short life on this earth continues to touch many more lives in the future.

I also hate that little April Rose's mom is having to go through so much additional hurt because of the cruel words spoken/written by a few. She is already having to go through so much because of April's bad prognosis; she should really be trying her best to enjoy this time with April...instead of dealing with the added pain caused by others. Oh, how I hope that April will continue to improve and grow and thrive in the coming days. However, I also still pray that God will continue to wrap His Spirit around them in the coming days, weeks, months... so they will be able to bear what may be ahead if the dr's are right. On the other hand, I really hope God will bless them and prove the dr's wrong and allow April to live outside the womb, just like sweet Faith Hope that continues to baffle the doctors. By the way, they are receiving confrontational and negative comments, as well. Some of their comments have even been targeted at the baby, not at the mother or family. What? Faith Hope is just over 12 weeks old; tell me how she should be causing any harm to anyone right now?

Oh how God must be moving through these stories, because it seems Satin is definitely trying to rear his ugly head here.

Well, I know this post wasn't exactly about us or our lives, but I felt I needed to share.

Open Your Eyes

I seen this film on a blog that I am following and I couldn't help but re-post it.

26 weeks

Wow, how time flies. I can’t believe it has already been 6 months!!! What a blessing Sweet T has been.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour,
I would die for you...
This is the miracle of life.

Although the medical bills and stress built up for a while, from her stay in the NICU to trips to the ER for allergic reactions and high temps, it has all been worth it to be blessed by this gift from God for these 6 months.

She is definitely developing her own, unique personality, and it’s a joy to watch her blossom in front of our eyes. She’s started reaching out for us, and playing bashful from time-to-time. She is such a content and happy baby, but she’ll let you know if she’s getting tired or extremely hungry. Sweet T absolutely adores her daddy; she loves getting to see her extended family, too. Going to visit our family for Easter was exciting because we got to watch her start to interact with all her relatives.

She loves her jumper and kickin’ coaster, as well as her car walker/jumper. She’s trying to crawl, but she’s only figured out how to push off with one side so she ends up scooting in circles instead. :o)

She will eat anything that you give her...that is as long as it has a smooth texture and thin consistency. We haven’t found a baby food (besides the meats) that she won’t eat, and she enjoys trying things from our plates, too. She loves peaches, sweet potatoes, and blueberry-apple baby food. Pudding, gravy, and water (from a glass or straw) are definitely high on the list of foods she likes to take from our plates. She’ll gum on cucumbers and (bland) satay, and she loves to wave around french fries.

Sunday will be her baby dedication, and I will try to remember to bring a camera so that we can capture images of that special time. If we get some good pictures, I’ll try to post them here when I get a chance.

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1:27-28

When I’m away from her, I live for the moment I get to see her look up at me and smile with that big, gummy grin.

I love this baby girl so much.

A wee bit of heaven
drifted down from above-
A handful of happiness,
a heart full of love.

The mystery of life,
so sacred and sweet-
The giver of joy
so deep and complete.

Precious and priceless,
so lovable, too-
The world's sweetest miracle,
baby, is you."
- Helen Steiner Rice -

Faith

What truly is faith? What is a good measure of faith? I have really started questioning if I would have (and outwardly exhibit) as much faith as the mothers of these beautiful children have, especially if I were going through the same circumstances with my baby.

As I have been following their blogs during the past weeks, their stories have really touched my heart. I only hope and pray that I would (and do) have as much faith and as strong of a relationship with God as they do. Oh what a testimony their stories are to the grace of God, as well as His wondrous powers and the peace and healing He can bring!

I still feel like I am trying to (re)build my relationship with God after I had strayed for a few years. However, I just cling to Him each day and know that He is with me.

On a lighter note, here is a video clip of Sweet T having some "Frosty Fun" on March 31.

Green Peas

This weekend went well. My parents came on Friday night and left Saturday afternoon. We didn't get to spend much time with Prince Charming (PC) though because he helped some of our friends fix a fence for their horse pasture. Mom says they'll have to come back soon so that they can visit with him. :o)

My parents couldn't believe how much Sweet T has changed. They got to see her try green peas; they definitely aren't her favorite food, but she does tolerate them. (I think she likes peaches the best...so far.) They also got to see her eat some gravy and suck on a lemon wedge and an orange slice, and I gave her some water out of a glass.

Of course, with all the excitement, I didn't take a single picture with our camera. Mom took several with hers, and I hope to get copies of those pictures.

Visitors

Well, I’m eagerly awaiting tonight; my parents are coming to visit. This will be the first time my dad has seen Sweet T (in person) since Christmas, and the first time moma has seen her in a little over two months. I can only imagine how anxious they are, too. I really hope Sweet T is feeling well and they get to enjoy their time together.

PC helped me do a mad dash of house cleaning last night. Well, we did some cleaning, but it was more of a reorganization effort in order to hide things until we really got a chance to go through the stack and put everything away. I really appreciated his help. For over a month, I’ve been trying to get the house clean so that our parents could visit, but I rarely made the time. Gee…I wonder why I would give spending time with our precious baby girl priority. Hmmm… I know I need to be better about it, especially since Sweet T will be mobile soon. However, I really hate having to make the trade off between time with her (and PC) and time spent cleaning the house. I guess I could cut sleep out and clean after PC and Sweet T are in bed. What do you think?

I’ll try to take some decent pictures while my parents are here. If I get any good ones, at the first of next week, I’ll try to get them posted along with some notes about this weekend's activities.

Oh What A Feeling!

I don't think I'll actually be able to express how elated I am after last night, but I'll try writing a few notes about it.

After all of our nursing issues, Sweet T actually latched on last night and nursed until she fell asleep. Boy, I was over-joyed. I still can't think of the words to describe it.

I will admit that, at first, when she started crying and wouldn't go to sleep I just let Prince Charming go in her room and try to calm her. After I went downstairs and fixed the bottles for today and came back up to pump, we decided we'd see if she would latch on. (She'd sucked on PC's arm for a while and almost fell asleep that way so we figured she might be hungry and that might be a sign she would latch on.) Before I went in there, I still needed to pump for the night so I was wishing she would stop being so fussy and would just go back to sleep because I was tired.

Man, when she latched on and actually started nursing, my feelings/emotions changed. I could've cared less about how tired I was or what I still needed to do. My beautiful, baby girl was actually nursing. I felt like, for the first time, I was actually doing something good for her and finally able to provide for her. This definitely lifted my spirits some, too.

Since she'd just finished a full bottle shortly before this, I knew she wouldn't take much. Nonetheless, that 10-15 minutes I got to spend with her as she nursed herself to sleep was so amazing!

Because of the issues we've had with nursing, I probably won't ever get to a point where I'd trust letting her nurse for a full meal, but I will definitely start trying to offer it again if she still acts hungry after finishing a bottle. I can definitely see why some mothers enjoy breastfeeding so much.

Our Little Girl

Man how time flies. I can't believe it's already been 6 months since I last posted.

A lot has happened. Our house was completed. And we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives on October 30. I still can't believe that she's already over 3 months.

Here's a picture of our house just before it was completed:


And here is a picture of our baby girl at 2 weeks old:


She was already starting to enjoy her hands!

Boy, God has really blessed us!!! Sweet T is such a miracle and joy.

The Illness

Postpartum Depression

"The Illness"

The closet, the bathroom floor,
These places where I hide
That person I don't want anyone to see
I never dreamed I would feel this way

I don't recognize this woman in the mirror
She cries in heaving sobs
As if someone died
Maybe someone did die? Maybe it was me

Here is this tiny baby,
This precious gift from God
That I should want to hold and love,
But I can't. What is wrong with me

Others depend on me,
But I am the one who needs depending
I need help. I need to be saved
Please, oh please someone take care of me.

by Brooke Amy Hassell

My life has definitely had its ups and downs since my pregnancy. Currently, I'm trying to deal with the pressures and stress of everyday life topped with a nice heaping spoonful of Postpartum Depression.

I definitely did not expect to get PPD. Even if I had, I don't think I would have realized exactly how it would be. Until I started taking some medication, I would cry all the time. Now, that's mostly stopped, but I still feel so lonely even though I know I'm surrounded by caring family and friends.

The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I know I'm blessed to have such a sweet baby girl, but I can't fully enjoy the time I get with her. I thank God for every second that I get with her, but it is as if I am incapable of experiencing joy or happiness right now.

I still find it really hard to find words to describe exactly how I feel and to explain what I'm going through. I know that I should be happy, and I really want to be. I just can't for some reason.

I definitely feel for the other mothers that are out there dealing with PPD right now, and I definitely have a new found respect for those women that have went through it in the past.