Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Illness

Postpartum Depression

"The Illness"

The closet, the bathroom floor,
These places where I hide
That person I don't want anyone to see
I never dreamed I would feel this way

I don't recognize this woman in the mirror
She cries in heaving sobs
As if someone died
Maybe someone did die? Maybe it was me

Here is this tiny baby,
This precious gift from God
That I should want to hold and love,
But I can't. What is wrong with me

Others depend on me,
But I am the one who needs depending
I need help. I need to be saved
Please, oh please someone take care of me.

by Brooke Amy Hassell

My life has definitely had its ups and downs since my pregnancy. Currently, I'm trying to deal with the pressures and stress of everyday life topped with a nice heaping spoonful of Postpartum Depression.

I definitely did not expect to get PPD. Even if I had, I don't think I would have realized exactly how it would be. Until I started taking some medication, I would cry all the time. Now, that's mostly stopped, but I still feel so lonely even though I know I'm surrounded by caring family and friends.

The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I know I'm blessed to have such a sweet baby girl, but I can't fully enjoy the time I get with her. I thank God for every second that I get with her, but it is as if I am incapable of experiencing joy or happiness right now.

I still find it really hard to find words to describe exactly how I feel and to explain what I'm going through. I know that I should be happy, and I really want to be. I just can't for some reason.

I definitely feel for the other mothers that are out there dealing with PPD right now, and I definitely have a new found respect for those women that have went through it in the past.

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