As I continue to struggle with pain, I'm also noticing changes in my attitude and behavior. It's amazing how much pain can changes one's life.
I'm finding that it's affecting my relationship with others, even beyond my interaction with my husband and daughter that I touched on in an earlier post. I wasn't very outgoing to begin with, but now I don't really want to go out in a group. I also don't want to carry on conversations with others; this one really bothers me, but I know where it stems from. Over the past year, especially with my husbands help, I've realized how often I say the wrong thing. This just adds another magnitude on to my ongoing struggle of not being able to remember common, simple words (like towel, dog, diaper, etc) from time-to-time. Who knows how many times I've misspoke at work or in some other situation where my husband wasn't even around to try to correct me. I hate it, and the really bad thing is that I've even noticed it starting to happen when I type, too. I now have to try to proofread anything I type at least a couple times, and there are still times when I send or post something just to realize that I typed something wrong at a later time. Also, I used to enjoy the fact that I my written word came out "more intelligent" than my spoken word…that's quickly becoming a thing of the past, too. Ugh! I really don't like this.
Ok, beyond noticing that I'm becoming a bit reclusive :o), I'm starting to get a temper and become very short with people…including my daughter. What?! I know she's just 17 months (today as a matter of fact), and I love observing her as she is learning from her surroundings. I also know that she gets frustrated easily because she can't communicate everything she wants to, and she can't do everything she wants to do either. Her frustrations combined with how short-fused I'm starting to be, especially on days that I'm really struggling, are not meshing very well right now. Take last night for example, I ended up so frustrated and mad at myself it wasn't funny. I was trying to feed Trinity supper. After a few bites of the mac-and-cheese I'd heated up for her she started getting antsy and wanting down. Because of how she'd been acting, I knew she was hungry so I kept trying to get her to eat. I was even letting her feed herself, which is her new favorite thing to do. When she started wiggling around, I started "helping" her with the spoon. Pretty soon, she was waving her free hand up and down at me. She pulled the hand with the spoon away from mine and flung it to the floor and then batted the bowl of mac-and-cheese down, too (not before sticking her whole hand in the middle of the food). Then she was really waiving her arms around, mac-and-cheese flying off her hand in the process. I ended up spanking her before I even caught myself. Yes, that ended her fit, but that's not what I should've done. After she quit crying and totally calmed down, I realized her "fit" was the only way she knew at the time to try to tell me she wanted something besides the mac-and-cheese. Why did I do that instead of taking the time to figure out why she was frustrated (which is what I normally do)? Like I said, I was very mad at myself for doing this. I was in tears last night, and I'm even starting to tear up as I write this now.
I so want to find something that will stop the pain I'm dealing with. I know other people suffer through even worse things, and I honestly think that may be why I'm still finding the strength to fight this every day. I just continue to try to thank God for the day He has given me and find blessings each day. But that still doesn't stop (or reverse) the changes I'm seeing in myself.
I'm really getting to the point where I just want to lock myself in a room on my really bad days. Even though, most days, I am so exhausted I just feel like I want to go to bed as soon as I put Trinity to bed, I really think I'm going to have to start doing more research into Fibromyalgia, Limited Scleroderma, and chronic pain on my own. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find something that might help.