Thursday, March 04, 2010

Can I Give Up?

This year has not started off so great for me…at least as far as my health is concerned. Many times, I have just bawled to my husband about how I can’t take it anymore.

I’m tired… well, I guess, literally; I feel extremely fatigued. As I continue to get progressively worse, I’m currently at a point where I feel like I’m having to choose work over family. After I push myself to work and struggle through the day, I push to get Trinity home and ready for bed. As soon as I get her down for the night, I just want to go to bed. I usually do get in bed, but I try to stay awake until Chris comes to bed.

I’m tired… of being in at least some sort of pain 24/7 for over 8 years now. As time has passed, my pain level has continued to increase. Especially once the Fibromyalgia really kicks in, there are days where I just want to crawl out of my skin. Hems of clothes hurt and tags, holding the steering wheel or a computer mouse can hurt, etc. It’s amazing how I hate clothes shopping now because I might think something is REALLY cute, but as soon as I touch it or try it on, I realize I won’t be able to wear it because of how much pain I would be in. Sadly to say, most business clothes are this way. I really wish I could just wear casual clothes to work.

I’m tired… of not being able to completely enjoy our daughter and how this affects her. I’m tired of how this affects my husband. I’m tired of not being able to cuddle and play around with my husband; tickle fights and nights spent curled up together used to be our norm. Now, most days, I can’t even stand for him to give me a good hug. The affects this has on my family and my relationship with them are what hurt me the most. Even though the pain may have me almost in tears, I just bawl thinking about how I can’t do everything I would like to with them.

I’m tired of fighting! When can I give up?

I know there are people out there that are so much worse, and I try to keep reminding myself of that. However, as the pain has gotten worse this year and I keep having issues with my health, I’ve just hit a wall. Right now, I just haven’t found a way around, over, under, or through it. This is just one of the “downs” of my life. I’m sure I’ll figure out how to pick my head up and smile as I continue to trudge along…I’m just not at that point yet.

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