Oh What A Feeling!

I don't think I'll actually be able to express how elated I am after last night, but I'll try writing a few notes about it.

After all of our nursing issues, Sweet T actually latched on last night and nursed until she fell asleep. Boy, I was over-joyed. I still can't think of the words to describe it.

I will admit that, at first, when she started crying and wouldn't go to sleep I just let Prince Charming go in her room and try to calm her. After I went downstairs and fixed the bottles for today and came back up to pump, we decided we'd see if she would latch on. (She'd sucked on PC's arm for a while and almost fell asleep that way so we figured she might be hungry and that might be a sign she would latch on.) Before I went in there, I still needed to pump for the night so I was wishing she would stop being so fussy and would just go back to sleep because I was tired.

Man, when she latched on and actually started nursing, my feelings/emotions changed. I could've cared less about how tired I was or what I still needed to do. My beautiful, baby girl was actually nursing. I felt like, for the first time, I was actually doing something good for her and finally able to provide for her. This definitely lifted my spirits some, too.

Since she'd just finished a full bottle shortly before this, I knew she wouldn't take much. Nonetheless, that 10-15 minutes I got to spend with her as she nursed herself to sleep was so amazing!

Because of the issues we've had with nursing, I probably won't ever get to a point where I'd trust letting her nurse for a full meal, but I will definitely start trying to offer it again if she still acts hungry after finishing a bottle. I can definitely see why some mothers enjoy breastfeeding so much.

Our Little Girl

Man how time flies. I can't believe it's already been 6 months since I last posted.

A lot has happened. Our house was completed. And we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives on October 30. I still can't believe that she's already over 3 months.

Here's a picture of our house just before it was completed:


And here is a picture of our baby girl at 2 weeks old:


She was already starting to enjoy her hands!

Boy, God has really blessed us!!! Sweet T is such a miracle and joy.

The Illness

Postpartum Depression

"The Illness"

The closet, the bathroom floor,
These places where I hide
That person I don't want anyone to see
I never dreamed I would feel this way

I don't recognize this woman in the mirror
She cries in heaving sobs
As if someone died
Maybe someone did die? Maybe it was me

Here is this tiny baby,
This precious gift from God
That I should want to hold and love,
But I can't. What is wrong with me

Others depend on me,
But I am the one who needs depending
I need help. I need to be saved
Please, oh please someone take care of me.

by Brooke Amy Hassell

My life has definitely had its ups and downs since my pregnancy. Currently, I'm trying to deal with the pressures and stress of everyday life topped with a nice heaping spoonful of Postpartum Depression.

I definitely did not expect to get PPD. Even if I had, I don't think I would have realized exactly how it would be. Until I started taking some medication, I would cry all the time. Now, that's mostly stopped, but I still feel so lonely even though I know I'm surrounded by caring family and friends.

The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I know I'm blessed to have such a sweet baby girl, but I can't fully enjoy the time I get with her. I thank God for every second that I get with her, but it is as if I am incapable of experiencing joy or happiness right now.

I still find it really hard to find words to describe exactly how I feel and to explain what I'm going through. I know that I should be happy, and I really want to be. I just can't for some reason.

I definitely feel for the other mothers that are out there dealing with PPD right now, and I definitely have a new found respect for those women that have went through it in the past.