Oh What A Feeling!

I don't think I'll actually be able to express how elated I am after last night, but I'll try writing a few notes about it.

After all of our nursing issues, Sweet T actually latched on last night and nursed until she fell asleep. Boy, I was over-joyed. I still can't think of the words to describe it.

I will admit that, at first, when she started crying and wouldn't go to sleep I just let Prince Charming go in her room and try to calm her. After I went downstairs and fixed the bottles for today and came back up to pump, we decided we'd see if she would latch on. (She'd sucked on PC's arm for a while and almost fell asleep that way so we figured she might be hungry and that might be a sign she would latch on.) Before I went in there, I still needed to pump for the night so I was wishing she would stop being so fussy and would just go back to sleep because I was tired.

Man, when she latched on and actually started nursing, my feelings/emotions changed. I could've cared less about how tired I was or what I still needed to do. My beautiful, baby girl was actually nursing. I felt like, for the first time, I was actually doing something good for her and finally able to provide for her. This definitely lifted my spirits some, too.

Since she'd just finished a full bottle shortly before this, I knew she wouldn't take much. Nonetheless, that 10-15 minutes I got to spend with her as she nursed herself to sleep was so amazing!

Because of the issues we've had with nursing, I probably won't ever get to a point where I'd trust letting her nurse for a full meal, but I will definitely start trying to offer it again if she still acts hungry after finishing a bottle. I can definitely see why some mothers enjoy breastfeeding so much.

Our Little Girl

Man how time flies. I can't believe it's already been 6 months since I last posted.

A lot has happened. Our house was completed. And we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives on October 30. I still can't believe that she's already over 3 months.

Here's a picture of our house just before it was completed:


And here is a picture of our baby girl at 2 weeks old:


She was already starting to enjoy her hands!

Boy, God has really blessed us!!! Sweet T is such a miracle and joy.

The Illness

Postpartum Depression

"The Illness"

The closet, the bathroom floor,
These places where I hide
That person I don't want anyone to see
I never dreamed I would feel this way

I don't recognize this woman in the mirror
She cries in heaving sobs
As if someone died
Maybe someone did die? Maybe it was me

Here is this tiny baby,
This precious gift from God
That I should want to hold and love,
But I can't. What is wrong with me

Others depend on me,
But I am the one who needs depending
I need help. I need to be saved
Please, oh please someone take care of me.

by Brooke Amy Hassell

My life has definitely had its ups and downs since my pregnancy. Currently, I'm trying to deal with the pressures and stress of everyday life topped with a nice heaping spoonful of Postpartum Depression.

I definitely did not expect to get PPD. Even if I had, I don't think I would have realized exactly how it would be. Until I started taking some medication, I would cry all the time. Now, that's mostly stopped, but I still feel so lonely even though I know I'm surrounded by caring family and friends.

The thing I hate most about this is the fact that I know I'm blessed to have such a sweet baby girl, but I can't fully enjoy the time I get with her. I thank God for every second that I get with her, but it is as if I am incapable of experiencing joy or happiness right now.

I still find it really hard to find words to describe exactly how I feel and to explain what I'm going through. I know that I should be happy, and I really want to be. I just can't for some reason.

I definitely feel for the other mothers that are out there dealing with PPD right now, and I definitely have a new found respect for those women that have went through it in the past.

They're Framing

We're still seeing progress on the house.

They poured the slab on August 20, 2008.

On August 21, they started framing.

It Was You

I think this song by 12 Stones definitely sums up my current thoughts and prayers (in a more lyrical manner than I can put them).

[Lyrics] 12 Stones – It Was You
[Listen]

It was You
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

I was sick of all the pain
Tired of all the shame that I felt
But You showed me a way
To never have a doubt
And always to believe in myself
Now I see

It was You
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

Now I'm breathin for the first time
And I'm leavin, all this behind
I've become, what I am because of You
It was You

I'm so sorry 'bout the ways
But I can't take away my past
But You love me anyway
And now I wanna do
Everything for You that I can
Even though it won't erase
The foolish things that I've done
Things that blinded me
But now I see

It was You
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

Now I'm breathin for the first time
And I'm leavin, all this behind
And I stand
For what I know is real

So how can I make this up to You
I'll fight and I'll push and I'll strive
Now that I'm living my life for You
I'll fight and I'll push and I'll strive
Can't You see

It was You
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real

Now I'm breathin for the first time
And I'm leavin, all this behind
I've become, what I am because of You

I can see the writing on the wall
As time begins to crawl away from me
And I've become what I am
Because of You
It was You