Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side

By Your Side (Over and Underneath - Track #3)
Mike Donehey, Jason Ingram, Phillip LaRue

From Tenth Avenue North:  There are a couple of lines in By Your Side that to me really encapsulate the whole song. One is in the second verse that says, "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child? To where will you run?" And the last verse it says, "Look at these hands and my side, they swallowed the grave on that night, when I drank the world's sin so that I could carry you in and give you life." By Your Side is just a call to anyone who's struggling or fighting against God thinking they have to work to earn it. It's calling them to stop looking for what you can do for God and fix your gaze upon what God has done for you. Let that motivate you. We love because He first loved us.

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

2008 Essential Tunes / West Main Music / Formerly Music (SESAC) All rights admin. by Sony/ATV Sounds LLC (SESAC). / Peertunes, Ltd. (SESAC) / Grange Hill Music (SESAC) / Windsor Way Music (SESAC). Grange Hill Music and Windsor Way Music administered by Peertunes, Ltd. / Phillip LaRue Publishing Designee (ASCAP)

AK after pic

Chris' AK after a few mods.

Our Toys

My new DPMS AR-15 before mods

Chris' new AK before mods

THC

This is how Trinity writes "our names." She puts this on about everything she writes or colors now.

These are a few of my favorite things...

These are a few of my <least> favorite things...

Sorry to take some time on this forum to gripe, but I feel like those of us struggling with various health conditions are sometimes afraid to mention some of the things we have to deal with. I'm tired of "hiding" and just going by the names of the various diagnoses I've had through the years. All the symptoms are even starting to run together at this point to where I don't know what issue is causing what symptom anymore.



Nonetheless, I'm tired of:

• having to spit out mouthfuls of blood every time I brush my teeth [this pic was after I'd used cold water to try to slow down the bleeding]
• bruising very easily at times [I never know where the next bruise is going to pop up or how bad it is going to look and how long it will last.]
• excess layers of skin forming to the point it starts cracking
• suffering from severe headaches that can often strike with no warning
• issues that affect my vision - from the headaches to nerve palsies that are triggered to reduced peripheral vision
• dealing with the pain at the varying degrees, to the point it is now affecting my concentration and memory

Fly on the Wall...

While we were watching Tooth Fairy 2:

Trinity: Why did he turn into a girl?

Me: He didn't. What makes you think that he did?

Trinity: Well, he's dressed in pink now and girls wear pink...so why is he a girl now?

How Do I Select a Therapist or Counselor?

How Do I Select a Therapist or Counselor?

Third Day - I Need a Miracle

 
Well, late one night, she started to cry and thought he ain’t coming home
She was tired of the lies, tired of the fight, but she didn’t want to see him go
She fell on her knees and said, “I haven’t prayed since I was young
But Lord above I need a miracle”

Well no matter who you are and no matter what you’ve done
There will come a time when you can’t make it on your own

And in your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one, praying
Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle

He lost his job and all he had in the fall of ’09
Now he feared the worst, that he would lose his children and his wife
So he drove down deep into the woods and thought he’d end it all
And prayed, “Lord above, I need a miracle”

Well no matter who you are and no matter what you’ve done
There will come a time when you can’t make it on your own

And in your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one, praying
Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Whoa oh
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Whoa oh

He turned on the radio to hear a song for the last time
He didn’t know what he was looking for or even what he’d find
The song he heard gave him hope and strength to carry on
And on that night, they found a miracle
They found a miracle

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Whoa oh
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
Whoa oh

In your hour of desperation
Know you’re not the only one, praying
Lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle

It's the little things in life...

It's the little things, that I miss the most.

I would like to be able to finish all my sentences (spoken or written) without struggling for words or replacing/substituting words. I am thankful that I have a husband that can truly complete my sentences. I am thankful that my 3-year-old is in sync with me enough that she can tell what I'm referring to when I stub in filler words like this, that, thing, etc. I am thankful for the lighthearted moments I have when she tells me "silly mommy" as she proceeds to correct me; although, these moments still break my heart in some ways...because there is a circumstance in which she has to correct me that I don't really have control over but wish I could control/get rid of.



I would like to be able to wash my hair when I wanted to. I am thankful for a husband that will help me. Currently, he washes my hair for me around once a week. I am afraid this, as well as all the other things that are quickly becoming his responsibility, will put too much of a burden on him. I am thankful he has been sticking around through the hard times thus far. But in a society like we have today, where "..for better or for worse... in sickness and in health..." are merely words stated at a ceremony and not really a vow and lifelong promise, I am scared. I don't want him to feel "stuck"; however, I do want him to tell me if he starts feeling that way so that we can try to figure out what we can do to change things before he feels like leaving is the only solution. I've already been calling around local salons to see how much they would charge for just a shampoo and style. $15 is about the cheapest I've found so far, so now I'm trying to figure out how I might be able to squeeze $60/mo out of our budget so that I can go there...maybe at least a time or two a month...instead of it feeling like all of that is on him.

I would like for my husband to not be "afraid" to touch me. I am thankful that he tries to be understanding. I miss the "tickle fights" we used to have when we were dating and early on in the marriage. That's been traded out for him even asking if he can hug/touch me. He's gotten scared because all too many times he's come up behind me to hug me and I've jumped or pulled away as a reflex because of the pain. A simple touch can send a pain through my body that I would liken to a knife being stabbed in to me. A shower can feel like pins or darts pelting into me. Seams of my clothing can fill like a knife cutting in. This type of pain is definitely not something I "enjoy." I want the aspects of my relationship that I miss back, such as the cutting up, tickle fights, play fights, etc. I also wish that the fear of this pain didn't keep me from playing with my daughter at certain times either. She is definitely a "touch" child, so I feel bad that I can't tickle and play with her at times.

I could go on and on, such as my dread of a simple trip to the grocery store, but I'm going to stop for tonight. I hope I did touch on some of the things I am thankful for in the midst of all of this, especially my husband and daughter! Thank you Lord for blessing me with them!!!

In all Honesty...

...I hate living in pain every day.

Yes, I am throwing a bit of a pity party today. I know it could always be worse so I don't like talking about the pain and issues I go through very much. However, not talking about it doesn't mean that it's not there. I can't deny it. Maybe talking about it can encourage some others because they will realize they are not the only ones and they are not "crazy" and the pain is not just "in their heads."

It is real; the symptoms that we experience do exist!



I couldn't tell you what the root cause of my problems any more. I do know that at this point I have a running list of diagnoses:

• Fibromyalgia
• CREST (limited scleroderma; type of RA)
• Chronic Sinusitis and Allergies
• Nerve Palsy
• Vocal Cord Dysfunction / Paradoxical Vocal Cord Motion

I've also been tested for Myasthenia Gravis by multiple neurologists (on their decision, without my ever stating that I had been tested for it previously, etc). Based on some things I have read, I think this might even explain some issues we had with our daughter after she was born. However, every neurologist has only done the nerve conduction/stimulation test and quit looking into it after those results are not definitive or "negative." Maybe it really is just the nerve palsy that causes the intermittent eye dropping and vision problems. Maybe it is just the PVCM, which I wasn't diagnosed with until this year, that causes the issues with swallowing, etc. Who knows why I feel like I struggle to hold my neck up and feel like I can barely move my arms and legs at times. I'm not the doctor and can't diagnose myself, but this condition keeps coming up during visits with various doctors across the past 10 years...but I can't add it to my list yet.

I used to think I would end up getting the right combination of doctors and medication and all my problems would be solved. Now, I realize I have to come to terms with my new "normal" and my current limitations. I can try to push, but I pay for it dearly. During the last months I was at work, I was miserable. I wouldn't accomplish much of my duties during the day while I was pushing myself to "be at work." I would then come home and quickly realize how much of a "mess" I was in as I would end up shaking, teeth chattering, nauseous, and crying because of the amount of pain I was now in merely due to the fact that I had gone to work that day...not even that I had done that much. Now, the mere act of dropping my daughter off at school can still be enough to set off an extreme bout of pain. Oftentimes, I will return home from dropping her off and it's as if all the nerves in my body are firing at once. (Have you ever had a migraine? You know the pain you get in your head at the slightest hint of light, sound, etc? Imagine that type of pain radiating throughout your entire body...not just certain points in your head!) There are still days I get to the point that I think I can't take it any more.

Admitting what I go through is still hard, and typing about it (both the physical act and the act of making my admission more public) is even worse. I hope just getting my thoughts out will help someone. At the very least, maybe this will offer at least a bit of catharsis.

This is all I can do for the day, but I will try to start posting more again, whether it's about my issues or something else.

Please let me know if this helps you. I'd also like for you to share in the comments if you experience similar symptoms, etc.

The start of a weight loss journey...

I bought a FitBit about a month ago. After using it to track my daily steps over the past month, I plan to try to "kick it up a notch."

Currently, I'm averaging around 4,800 steps a day, and an average Active Score of 495. On average, I have been eating around 1400 calories a day. I weigh 199 and my measurements (in inches) are:

• Neck: 14.25
• Bicep: 13.50
• Forearm: 9.25
• Chest: 36.00
• Waist: 38.00
• Hips:  48.25
• Thigh: 27.25
• Calf: 16.00

Five Best Goal Tracking Services

Five Best Goal Tracking Services

Top 10 Easy-to-Keep Resolutions for This New Year

I seen this today and thought I would link to it because it has some good ideas:

Top 10 Easy-to-Keep Resolutions for This New Year

RV?

Ok, so...
This CRAZY idea came to mind yesterday. However, now, I don't really think it was a crazy idea, I think it was a bit of an answer that I've been looking for. After talking it over with my husband last night, I actually feel somewhat at peace today...for the first time in a few months.



So, what are your thoughts on selling and/or giving away most of your belongings and moving into an RV. Then, continuing to examine God's plan for us? Last night, we even talked about how this could potentially free us up for missions work, etc.

Is this really part of God's plan? or is it still just us searching and grasping for anything that feels somewhat right?

Lord, please help us feel Your guidance!

Jesus Use Me

For some reason, Jesus Use Me has been running through my mind the last couple weeks. I've also been struggling with figuring out God's plan for us right now. I'm really trying hard to find times to just be and try to hear God's voice a little more clearly. What is just mind talk and things I'm "making up" while trying to grasp for answers, and what is really God's gentle guidance? Oh, I realize I have a long way to go in order to rebuild my relationship with Him to where it was YEARS ago. I also don't want to settle for that either, I want the relationship to be even stronger.



I keep hearing my grandfather's voice when he told me he always thought I was supposed to be a missionary. I also keep hearing something tell me it doesn't have to be an international missionary. I also have been pulled to Mark 10:24-25 lately:

...Children, how hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

I have a really strong sense that where we are at right now is NOT where we are supposed to be, but I can't get a strong sense of the direction our path is supposed to move towards. Oh, I pray that my relationship with God can grow deeper and stronger, not only so that I can feel I am on the right path now, but so that I can truly serve Him in the way He has planned for me.

How to "wallpaper" using fabric | How About Orange

How to "wallpaper" using fabric | How About Orange

Definitely a project I would LOVE to do. Maybe I can find a neat fabric to use as an accent wall in Trinity's room, especially now that she has a "big girl bed."

Magical Story Puppet Pouch

1001 Peeps Summer Camp: Magical Story Puppet Pouch | Whipstitch

This is definitely a project I plan to do for Trinity! I'm just going to make myself finish (well, actually I need to start it, too) the Minky blanket for her first.

Benot Box - Bento Fiesta (Bean and Rice Burrito)

Last night we had Mexican food for dinner, so we decided to use our leftover beans and rice to create a bento fiesta for today's lunch. Although Mexican food is often high in calories and fat, keeping items simple and pairing them with fresh fruits and vegetables is a healthy way to enjoy this popular cuisine.



Menu

•     Bean and Rice Burrito on a Whole Grain Tortilla
•     Green Salad
•     Salsa
•     Tortilla Chips
•     Mango Slices

Preparation Notes

• Fill a whole grain tortilla with beans and rice. Roll up, cut in half and pack into your large unlidded container.
• Toss tomatoes with green leaf lettuce and pack into your large lidded container along with your dip container filled with salsa.
• Fill one of your medium containers with tortilla chips.
• Slice and peel a mango to put in your other medium container.

Source: Laptop Lunches

Randomness

Boy hate I steroids. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, but taking a round of oral steroids just adds to the chatter in my head. The fact that I cannot focus on a single topic longer than a couple of minutes while they are in my system, added to the fact that it seems as if I can’t get my mind to shut-off, and throw-in all the things that have been on my mind lately…boy, that makes for some “fun.” Thus the title of this post… I just have to get some of my thoughts out, even though I know this will probably turn out to be a lot of disjointed, rambling thoughts; maybe it will give me some perspective on things at some point later on.
 
Location…location…location…

What’s more important – opportunities for your children or family? Is it more important to raise your children near family and build those close bonds or raise them in an area that you feel provides them with more opportunities? A couple of years ago, we were leaning towards opportunities, but now we’re changing our minds on that. We are starting to decide if there’s an area that might offer some middle-ground. We don’t like how we see certain communities taking a down-hill slide, but we think there are enough larger, surrounding communities that might still offer options, although none of the closer ones offer as many opportunities as we have available at our current location. Man, how I am praying we follow His will and guidance on this decision. I'm welcome to your thoughts and input. Maybe it will shed some light on an aspect we haven't focused on or an aspect we're struggling with.

Conception or adoption/foster

We know we want to welcome at least one more child into our home. Lately, it seems like God might be leading us into a ‘different’ direction. Besides our last pregnancy being considered high-risk, there are no signs to say that we could not conceive another child. However, for some reason, the ideas of foster care and adoption are staying at the front of our minds. 

Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world. James 1:27 GWT

What are your thoughts on choosing to foster or adopt when you could still potentially conceive? It might just be out society, but it seems as if adoption is usually an option taken after one has exhausted efforts trying to conceive. That may be why it feels a little strange to be led down a different path. I’m still praying for God’s guidance on this to make sure we are listening to Him and following His will.

Family

Feeling the desire to be closer to family makes this next topic a little harder. Oh, how I want my daughter to grow-up near our extended families and have a very close relationship with them, just as I had when I was younger. However, there are certain things that aggravate me. You know those family members who always expect something? Ugh! My husband is still getting “guilt-trips” over the fact that we didn’t send anything back to our families for Christmas. Ok, excuse me, the end of last year was rough for us in more ways than one! I have my on-going health issues; plus, we started trying to live by more of a budget. I really wanted to send out a “family letter,” and I even bought all the stationary and hoped to get one created and mailed by year’s end. Needless-to-say, that didn’t happen. Now, all my husband hears is how upset they were because we didn’t send them anything for Christmas. That’s not the only incident of this ever occurring, either. More-and-more, it seems like all they are interested in is what we can do for them. I don’t mind trying to help out when we can, but when money, gifts, etc. are all that seem to be important to them, I start getting aggravated.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken

And the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here

But just because You love me
The way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You

Then I will go through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way
I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world
That's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through

And I will go through the valley

If You want me to

[...extended...]

'Cause when I cross over Jordan,
I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes
And see You never let me down

So take me on the pathway
That leads me home to You

And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to